Copyright Nik Bonkoski 2019

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Open the window.

April 4, 2019

 

 

Open the window. 

 

Tonight, I sit here in my home with the window open and the fresh spring air swirling through the room. My fingers are on the keyboard and there are tears in my eyes. 

 

Friends? Loss is a journey. Widowhood is a whole other journey. 

 

Trauma will rock you deep. It will try to trick you. The darkness? Sometimes you think it's left and then all of a sudden there it is again. Except? You don't fully realize that it's been hanging around your heart until it's left and you open the window and watch it wiz away into the distance. The darkness will sound like your own thoughts and you will be so sure that what it is telling you is the truth. 

 

Open the window. 

 

Grief? Oh, friends. Time doesn't heal in the way nice quotes and songs try to tell you. The pain, the sting, the ping of pain in your heart when you see their photo, or hear their name, or see their light in your child's eyes? That sting stays with you. It doesn't fade with time. Except you learn to live with it. You almost welcome it when it comes after time passes because it means you still remember your person, you are still connected to them......the love is still there. 

 

You can live side-by-side with joy and pain, sadness and happiness, joy and longing. It's human. 

 

Open the window. 

 

I've learned so many things along my now 3 1/2 year journey of widowhood and loss. 

 

I've learned that I can move forward but I don't have to move on. I've learned that my moving on is personal to me and it might not look like anyone else's moving on. I've learned I don't have to discuss this in detail with anyone. It's my grief. I can hold it close to my heart or I can open my heart and give the extra love away. 

 

I've learned that I can try to live again and sometimes it will feel so wonderful and sometimes it will feel awful and so painful. 

 

I've learned over and over and once again.......that the greatest thing I can do for my late husband? I can live! I can laugh! I can open my heart. I can serve others. I can embrace life....the good and the bad, the up and the down....the joy and the pain. 

 

Open the window. 

 

After you lose a spouse or anyone that you love you probably are thinking............"Now what?" 

 

Exactly. Now what? 

 

Friend? Open the window. 

 

Let the sun shine in. 

 

Breathe. 

 

Grief hurts. It's so, so painful. Especially when we lose someone in our core family. When we lose a person who was in our daily life we think......Now what? 

 

Friends? I have thought.........."Now what?" every single day since the loss of my husband in 2015. Every. Single. Day. 

 

Some days I think that thought for only seconds and it passes. Other days I dwell on it.  And there are days that I am so sure that I know what I'm doing with my life now and then bam..........I'm knocked down again by my grief and trauma. 

 

I struggle too. I just don't give up. 

 

Rise up from the ache. 

 

Open the window. 

 

People outside of your widowhood will tell you mixed things. "Get out there and live again! You deserve to love again!" and others will say, "You should wait 5 years to be happy again. You need to grieve." Others will say lots of other things about how you should or shouldn't live your life after the loss of your spouse. 

 

Friends? Don't listen to them. They mean well. Send them blessings and love. Nod and smile and then get back to your life. It's your life after all. You do whatever feels right in your heart, in your gut. You do whatever you hear God, the universe, divine energy, your ancestors, your loved one that died telling you to do. There's no timeline. 

 

Life is so precious. And it goes by so fast and yet sometimes....so slow like when you have a broken heart. 

 

Grab onto absolutely anything that brings you happiness.....brings you joy....brings you a smile and a bit of comfort and new life. 

 

So, now what? Friends? I don't know. And that's terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. I don't know what's next in my life. I haven't known that since they buried my best friend in the ground. I'm still here in hometown because it's where I am meant to be. I'm still single. I'm still living my life with grace and buckets of grit. 

 

When you feel like the world has knocked you down? When you lose your love? When you say....."Now what?" 

 

Open the window. 

 

Let the sun in. 

 

Believe that things can get better.

 

Trauma is slow to heal. 

 

Grief stays with us forever. The loss stays with us forever. There's always the missing person. But, friends? Life is so amazing....still. Still...after all I've been through? I want to live and laugh and have a great big life full of love and purpose. 

 

Open the window. Don't stay closed away forever. 

 

Live your life.

 

Get up each day. Breathe. Drink your coffee. Do your work. Hug your loved ones. Remember your past with great love and warmth in your heart. Rest.

 

Cry your tears and wail and scream over the life you lost and then? Wash your face and open the window.....feel the breeze and know that God puts people into your path for a reason. Every single new person that comes into your life after loss if for a divine reason. 

 

Be grateful for the life you had and send gratitude out into the cosmos for whatever is next on your path. 

 

Live your life. It's precious. It's yours. It goes by so quickly. It could all end tomorrow. 

 

Now what?

 

Friends? I want to dance! I want to feel alive. I want to write and write and write what is on my heart. I want to serve others. I want to shake off the darkness, wash my face, and open my broken heart. 

 

Broken is beautiful. 

 

Remember that you are loved. You are worthy. Your life matters and you have great purpose. 

 

The light? It's out there even when you can't see it or feel it. 

 

Open the window. 

 

Love always, Nik 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reach out, friends. I answer all your messages and emails personally. Thank you so much to everyone who donates to my work serving others. I appreciate you all so much. You are in my daily prayers. Thank you!!! www.paypal.me/niktebbe 

 

 

 

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