Copyright Nik Bonkoski 2019

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Stop scrolling and read this if you lost a spouse to suicide and are raising kids.

October 14, 2018

Stop scrolling for a moment. 

 

 

 

Are you a man or woman that lost a spouse to suicide and you're raising kids? 

 

 

Me too. 

 

 

 

It's hard....isn't it? 

 

 

It's double parenting. 

 

 

 

Parenting through tragedy, trauma, and grief? Now that will show you the depths of who you really are. 

 

Do you have days you want to lay on the floor and give up? 

 

Moments you hide away in the bathroom crying? 

Hours you spend feeling bad about so many things to do with your now single parenting and how your children's lives are now different? 

 

 

Guilt.

 

It creeps into our minds and hearts every single day. 

 

 

 

And when we are an "only" parent? Meaning....the only parent that these kids have. When we are an only parent we get double the guilt. 

 

 

We feel bad that our spouse died by suicide. 

 

We feel bad that we didn't see the warning signs and save their life. As if we are some superhuman hero that can step into someone's mind and heal it. 

 

We feel bad that our kids only have us. 

 

We feel bad that we get tired, so tired and we can't possibly do it all every single day. 

 

We feel bad that our kids will never learn anything from their other parent and we can't be two people. We can only be ourselves. 

 

 

 

Write that guilt down. Write down all the things you feel bad about and then? 

Crumple up that piece of paper and burn it. Literally.....burn it. Why? Because your emotions, your experiences carry energy. They live in your subconscious mind. When you write them down you bring them forward to your conscious mind. When you write them? You get their energy out of your mind. And when you burn it up? You change that energy into something else. 

 

 

Everything is energy. 

 

We cannot always control the thoughts that seep into our minds but we can control and release the bad feelings, the guilt, the endless thoughts that we are not enough for our kids. 

 

 

 

I have things I feel bad about every single day. Too many to list here in this short article. But you know what? I have the power to change my mind and so do you. I know that if I hang onto those bad feelings they will project onto my kids. They will feel it in my mood each day. They will feel that energy when they hold my hand or when I hug them. So, each day I write down those feelings and I burn them up or crumble them up and throw them away. Why? Because it's not my fault what happened to my husband no matter the endless ways that my Ego mind tries to tell me that it is. Because I didn't choose this widowed parent life but I can choose how I warrior through it. Because only I can give my kids a happy and loving parent. And that's what our kids need. They need us to be happy. They need us to work on healing our trauma and grief so that they can heal theirs. They need us to show them that life does go on and we need to find gratitude each day and keep moving onward. 

 

 

The guilt is always going to try to seep into our hearts. We can't forever stop it from doing so. What we can do is release it, change it, rise above and beyond it. 

 

 

 

Dear you, 

 

You who lost a spouse or partner to suicide and are raising your children by yourself. 

 

 

 

I see you. 

 

You are enough. 

 

The challenges and tragedies that are given to us in our life make us who we are. We have the choice to let them make us feel forever bad and tear us down or to make us better people with big hearts. So many people throughout time have endured a big tragedy in their life and it's exactly what catapulted them into their destiny of helping others, of writing, or creating something that bettered and changed the world. 

 

 

 

Don't allow your tragedy to make you feel bad every single day. 

 

 

 

You have the power to write down those feelings and let them out. 

 

 

 

You are enough of a parent for your kids. They love you........double. 

 

Are your kids safe? 

 

Do you give them love every day? 

Do they have good food and shelter? 

 

Do you try your best every day to make their lives good and rest and give yourself grace on the days that you just can't give your best? 

 

 

 

Then you are a good parent. You are a wonderful parent. 

 

Never, ever compare yourself to someone who is parenting with their spouse. They have support. They have a safety net within their spouse and you do not. Their parenting is never going to be the same as yours. You are doing the job of two parents. You are a warrior. You are special. And you are so brave because you didn't give up on your kids. You show up for them every single day even when the guilt and bad feelings threaten to take you down. You don't hand them off to someone else and leave them. Here you are every single day being the best parent you can be in each moment. And that's enough. Love is enough. God's got this. 

 

 

 

Take those bad feelings. 

 

 

 

Take that guilt. 

 

 

 

Write it all down. 

 

 

 

And burn it up. 

 

 

 

Love always, Nik 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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