Copyright Nik Bonkoski 2019

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Synopsis from my time in the shadows of grief, depression, PTSD, and trauma.

July 7, 2018

 Hello, 

 

I'm Nikki. Most of my close friends and family call me, Nik. 

 

It's nice to meet you. However you landed here in this land of words.....I welcome you with open arms and the gift of my story. 

 

I will tell you that I have learned many things inside of my suffering. Inside of my time in the dark after my best friend.....my husband..... ended his life via suicide. 

 

I have learned things that I never wanted to learn but am grateful that I did. Things that can only be learned when your knees hit the floor and you are begging any energy out in the universe to please help you. I met God when my knees hit the floor. I questioned if God was real my entire life and when my knees hit my cold basement floor? I met God. And No, He wasn't a man on a cloud as I imagined as a child and couldn't accept. He was love. A throbbing, beating, pounding drum of love that coursed through every fiber of my being and told me, "Get up. You are loved. Get up. You are worhty. Get up, take this suffering and teach others." 

 

I have learned wondrous things about myself like I was born a writer, a story teller, a poet, a wordsmith.  I have taken only one writing class in my lifetime. My writing is real, honest, and comes from my soul. It is inspiration that is poured into my heart from my personal connection to God and it needs no tweaking, no fixing because it is my own and it is honest and it is my heart. 

 

I have learned things that I also never wished to learn and I am guessing until the day I am an old and grey woman with long shiny silver hair sitting around a campfire with my children's children.........I will still then wish I hadn't learned some of the harsh lessons I learned when I sat choosing the poetry for my best friends funeral handout. Some of these things still make my trauma course and shift and the dark waves in my heart start to swish. I calm them with my breathing. I calm them over and over with love. 

 

My husbands death gave me grief. Grief is love. There is no getting around grief and at first I tried to push it away, to make it leave, to remove it from my body but now I only lean in and listen. 

 

My husbands way of death, suicide, gave me trauma, depression, and PTSD. The trauma of the knock on the door, the guilt, the questions, the book of his life entangled with mine slammed shut in an instant. 

 

The depression that was separate from my grief even if the grief is what welcomed it into my soul. It crept up on me so quickly. One day I knew I had to fight. I looked over at the bluffs and thought it would be ever so easy to just take a lovely hike to the top and fall off the edge.....ending all of this numbness forever. Instead, I went into our basement and packed up everything from my husbands days of hunting. Every bullet, every gun and called my Dad to have him take them away. I shut out the world on days that I desperately needed to and I ordered myself piles of books on spirituality, God, hope, grief, depression, suicide, and more. All I focused on was that my children did not deserve to become orphans, that my truest friend entrusted our beautiful children to me......and that I had to fight to stay here on this earth and not join my friend in the dirt like I so much wanted to do. 

 

The PTSD had me terrified, panicked, nervous, on edge, sweaty. It taught me that trauma runs deep and it lives in our bodies. It taught me to slow down, breathe, ground myself to the earth to heal. Write to release the pain. And remind myself every day that I am safe, that my children are safe, and that I am not what happened to me and no darkness can enter my soul or home if I am showered in light. 

 

This is a synopsis of my time in the dark. It's not completely detailed but it is honest and to the point. 

 

I thought I was broken the day my husband died. Almost 3 years later I have learned that while my heart feels broken....I am in fact completely whole. I wish this tragedy, this horror never happened to my best friend, our children, our family. And also in a dark twist of fate all of this is how I personally met God, how I healed and noticed things I had long been burying. It's how I cracked open my heart to serve others. It's exactly how I can be at peace just sitting in a field watching our children run and laugh and play.

 

The horror and loss taught me about life. Yes, I still have much to learn. Our human learning journeys never come to an end. But it opened a door. The grief opened a door in my heart that had long been nailed shut. 

 

This is my personal synopsis....notes....peak into my darkness after tragedy and loss. 

 

Take from it what resonates with your own story. 

 

Leave behind in kindness and love anything that doesn't. 

 

Learn from it whatever you can because some of the greatest things you will learn are lessons from other humans stories that ignite something in your soul. 

 

I am no longer in that dark place. 

 

I am here reaching out my hand, my writing, my energy and time to you, whose knees have never hit the floor.............to you, whose knees know the feeling of that cold hardness.........and you, the one whose knees will fall this afternoon. 

 

Reach out anytime. 

 

Light's on. 

 

Coffee's brewing. 

 

Love, Nik Tebbe 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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