Copyright Nik Bonkoski 2019

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One man in the UK's response to my little ballerina post. Warning: Heartwarming.

June 22, 2018

 

 I receive hundreds of messages and emails per week. They are all wonderful, heart warming, loving, kind, authentic, and brave. I save every single one of them. Someday I hope to make myself a scrapbook of them all. They mean that much to me. I can feel your hearts and energy through all of your words and it's why I answer every message. 

 

I received this message from a man in the UK today and it struck a place in my heart, brought tears to my eyes, and had me feeling how you feel when you just know that something was meant to happen. 

 

This man was meant to read my writing and I was meant to read his. Some higher force.....not a man on a cloud directing our lives but a loving and strong energy put us in each others path. The universe knew that the man from the UK needed my message and that I in turn needed his.

 

And I wanted to share it with all of you with his permission because it's that fantastic, it's that important, and it shows the world that spreading real, radical, authentic truth and fierce love? It strikes like love on fire into people's hearts even across oceans, land, borders. 

 

I hope it gives you all the feels. I hope it gets you thinking. I hope you share this message and our conversation with the world. 

 

In light, love, and endless gratitude-Nik and the man from the UK

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Man from the UK: "Hello Nik, It feels so strange to write this message to you, to share my story, which until this moment has remained largely internalised, but I feel compelled to write a thank you message to both you and your daughter. I saw your post, your daughters story. It hit me so very hard. So much resonated with my own feelings. It felt like a message from a higher place - almost as if I read your post at the very moment I needed to see those words. I can’t articulate the words to describe that feeling, but I am certain you can understand. Mine is too long a story to share in a message but medical conditions have made my life at moments unbearable - to the point where, similar to your husband, I don’t want to leave this world because I don’t love those around me, but there are moments I find it so difficult to stay and fight. I share that feeling of smiling to those closest to me at the very same time as planning in my mind a way out of this world. I have lost count of how many times I have read and reread your story. Your strength and moral courage have made me reflect upon those dark thoughts I have of giving up. I don’t have a daughter, but I do have a fiancée who I am due to marry February next year. I looked at a photo of the two of us together and considered how tragic and wrong it would be of me to drop that guilt, pain, abandonment and trauma on to her shoulders. It made me realise that no matter how much pain or fright I feel that she is my fight, my reason for being on this earth. I need to fight, to set small goals, to fight through to our wedding and beyond. My partner knows of my suffering from a medical perspective, but it is so difficult to find the words to discuss my true feelings, those dark scary thoughts - the last thing I want to do is hurt her by making her feel she is not enough to save me. I have made small attempts to reach out for help. It’s a complex dichotomy isn’t it? balancing that fight to go on against the injustice I feel against my situation, my fear and pain. I too question the concept of God. I’m not innately religious, but there have been moments in hospital, where I am being treated for my condition and have been very near the end, and I’ve recounted so many questions to God (because I am an uncertain in my belief I refer to him as the man upstairs, if he is at all there). There are times I feel life has been so unfair, selfishly questioning ‘why me?’. After reading your post I had to find a quiet space to cry - something I never do, externally I’m quintessentially British with that stiff upper lip, not a man of visible emotion - I cried alone because I realised that we all suffer, and that our suffering is both subjective and relative. How selfish of me to ask ‘why me?’ when others fight on through worse. I’m fortunate to have people who care so very much. My partner is more spiritual than I and advised me that God only gives challenges to those strong enough to face them. Perhaps there is some truth in that, of that I am not sure, but there are times I don’t feel strong at all. In fact, most of the time I feel ashamed and weak. Despite this, to quote your own words, reflecting on your story made me realised that life hasn’t cheated me at all, I cheat life if I give in. I simply must work with the cards I have been dealt. It took me a while to settle after reading your story, to return to my partner in the next room, to smile and tell her how very loved she is. It’s been so hard to write this, as a man it’s not easy to talk from the heart, though I am unsure why that is, many feel the same I’m sure. Ultimately I guess the reason for my message to you today is that I just wanted you to know that the sharing of your story, love and pleading helped me fight on another day. Helped me reconsider and rationalise those thoughts. More importantly I also wanted to apologise for your loss, for both of your pain, and more than anything I’m so sorry that you never got the chance to plead with your husband, but if there is any tiny even fraction of amount of light that can be found in the darkness of your story and suffering it’s that your words, wisdom and strength have helped me more than you could of visioned. Helped me to stay on. I’m just so sorry you found yourself in that position in the first place. To know that there are beautiful souls out there, whose wisdom inspires, and strength upholds, wherever they may be geographically makes my fight on so much more manageable. For that I am eternally thankful. I wish you and your family all the best, love, happiness and joy for the future. With warmest regards.

 

 

Me to the man from the UK:  Just...wow. You're a writer!!! I am in awe of this message. I am in awe of you and your ability to use words to make me feel what you are saying. YOU are needed on this earth and I think that you seen my message because yes, some higher power put it in front of you. Not a man in the clouds but an energy of love....not a noun but a verb. And in turn I needed to hear your message that comes from the same energy and you know what? Your message could help so many other people. It's that fantastic. May I share it on my blog anonymously? If not, I completely understand. It's just so wonderful and powerful and could help so many on your side of the story. I could leave out any parts you wish for me to but in it's whole it's like fire to the soul....in a good way. You think about it and let me know, ok? There is much healing in being of service to others and your words could be of such great service to others. thank you. Just thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. I appreciate you so very much. I am also grateful that people like you exist out in the world across an ocean. It brings comfort and even a smile to my face to think that we can feel so alone yet connect through words on the internet and feel like it's all connected for some reason. In light, Nik"

 

 

Man from the UK: "Thank you for your kind words Nik. Your message made me smile too, I feel a sense of peace that I’ve not felt for a very long time. I’m privileged that you replied to me, more so that you understand and found some comfort in my words as I did yours. Distance however great is no barrier for your positive energy and I sincerely believe I came across your post for a reason. Of course - certainly you may share my message in its entirety on your blog. I’m blessed that you think it’s worthy enough for sharing so please share it. It gives me a sense of purpose. I only hope that it can help another in the same position, just as you’ve helped me and so many others. Im so glad to of stumbled on your writings and will be reading and sharing more." 

 

 

 

This is my little ballerina post from April 2018 that went viral on Facebook

 

https://www.facebook.com/niktebbe/photos/a.181212895579576.1073741829.177523259281873/594166980950830/?type=3&theater

 

 

 

I hope you have a moment to look over my blog and website. Love, Nik Tebbe

www.niktebbe.com 

 

 

 

 

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