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1,000 days of grief

June 7, 2018

This morning I woke up and poured my hot black coffee.

 

I stared out the same kitchen window that I have been looking out for the past 14 years.

 

My heart swelled and I could feel his hand on my shoulder.

 

I woke up today to a brand new day and he knows.

 

It's been 1,000 days without him.

 

1,000 days of grief.

 

Today? Today is day 1,001.

 

What do I feel?

 

I feel like it's been one million days and I feel like it's been one minute since he left this earth without an explanation or a goodbye.

 

I feel like I've climbed a mountain and I'm at the top. I feel proud of myself for getting this far and I feel sad that this far means that I've lived 1,000 days without his laughter, hugs, friendship, and his smile. I can see his smile in my mind. I can hear his laughter in my heart. And this morning? He was here with me. He knew how long it had been and that I would write about it. He stood in that kitchen with me and he said what he couldn't say 1,001 days ago.

 

1,000 days of grief. 

 

What have I learned? 

 

I have learned that no one thing is going to take away, heal, or fix your grief. 

 

You could hike and excercise until you fall over and yes, it might make you feel better but it's not a cure. 

 

You could talk about your sadness until you fall to the floor but it won't take away the pain in your heart. 

 

Walk into the storm. 

 

Don't hold your breathe. 

 

Feel your emotions. 

 

If you're sad? Be sad. There is so much healing inside of tears. 

 

If you're angry? Get good and angry but don't let that anger make you mean or bitter. Write it down. Scream it out. And then let it go free. Anger is a great messenger. Anger is valid. Anger is guiding you to a part of your wound that is desperate for love and care. 

 

If you're joyful? Be joyful. Smile. Laugh. Love life again. Those days will make you feel alive and give you hope. 

 

Find things to help you along your journey. Your grief will not one day pack it's bags and walk forever out of your life. It will stay with you and you will build your life around it's suitcase of memories, emotions, and love. You need to find people, places, and things that help you to carry that suitcase throughout your life. Places where you can unpack it and feel connected to the earth. People who fully allow you to set that suitcase down on their kitchen table and unload it word for word over a cup of coffee. Things like a good pair of hiking boots that can help you to run down trails when all you want to do is run away and be alone amongst the trees and wildflowers. 

 

1,000 days of grief. 

 

I don't know why this happened to my husband. I have clues, hindsites, information, and other but that's it. Suicide is a really deep mystery. It's a mystery at a soul level and I'm not sure that we will ever figure out why and how some people go through with it. 

 

1,000 days of grief. 

 

I accepted his death a long time ago and I will tell you that is one of the reasons that I am where I am in my journey. I accepted that he isn't coming home to save me. I have to do this life on my own now and I have to dig deep into the cave in my heart and find my self-love and my grit and my power. I had to stop thinking or saying, "Well, if he were here this would be easier or that would be easier." Yes, that's the truth but he's not coming home. I have to raise our kids alone. I have to catch their tears, teach them to be kind humans, educate them about their emotions and spirituality, and take them on adventures. I am the one for the past 1,000 days who has done all of this and I know he is so proud of me. I will be the one to watch them grow up. I will be the one to watch them chase their dreams, travel the world, make new friends, and I will be the one to hold them each and every time life knocks them down. I have accepted that fact. I am their Mama and if I dig deep I have enough love to cover and protect them both for my lifetime. 

 

1,000 days of grief. 

 

I have learned that trauma happens. Life is precious. And right now in this moment is all that we really have control over. I have learned that each human has a suitcase. A suitcase filled with grief, memories, hardships, and more. We all have things that we don't talk about like our tragedies, failures, mental health, and broken hearts. 

 

Don't avoid the storm. You're meant to walk into it. 

 

When the pain and sadness returns to my heart and I fall to my knees once again? 

 

I allow it. I let it in. I give it love. 

 

And when it leaves I am once again aware of the fact that none of us know why things happen but we can live with an open and compassionate heart through it all. 

 

I will live many, many more days without my best friend. Thousands and thousands of days without his human form here with me to hold my hand in the car and laugh with me around campfires and raise our children side-by-side. Years stretched out in front of me and our children. 

 

Do I think that for sure I will see him some day on the other side? I'm not sure about that. Maybe I will, maybe I'll only get a glimpse of him and a moment to hug him and chat until I'm off on my own souls journey. But I do know so full and sure in my heart that someday when I cross into the veil that he will be standing there and he won't have to say any words. He will look at me.....I will look at him.....and we will know why this journey happened to our family. 

 

1,000 days without my true blue friend. 

 

But he's always in my heart. 

 

He's protecting me from afar. 

 

He sends me messages of hope and love. 

 

He is my guide and my forever friend no matter where he is or I am. 

 

1,000 days of grief which gave me a priceless wisdom that I am so grateful for. 

 

1,000 days of grief which almost put me into the ground forever but instead it lifted me into my purpose. 

 

And now on day 1 of the next 1,000 days? 

 

I'm going to send gratitude into the cosmos for what I do have in my life. 

 

I'm going to sit in the spot on the counter where he used to sit and I'm going to drink my coffee, close my eyes, and remember my best friend. 

 

I'm going to laugh with our children. 

 

I'm going to get out into nature where I can feel his soul touch mine. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am a writer, spiritual mentor, and intuitive life guide. I hope my writing feels like home to you and sends sparks of light through your heart. You can support my work spreading love, knowledge, hope, and global love here.......

https://www.niktebbe.com/donate

 

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In light, love, and endless gratitude-Nik Tebbe 

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