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Death made me different than the crowd

June 2, 2018

 Death made me different than the crowd. 

 

I've always been a bit of a rebel at heart.  A gypsy soul. A creative person who doesn't like to do what everyone else is doing. 

 

But the traumatic death of my husband at the age of 34? 

 

That made me walk out further on the wire. 

 

It made me separate myself even further from wanting to do what everyone else is doing. 

 

Death made me different. 

 

My husbands suicide made me radically authentic. 

 

It sparked a fire in my soul. 

 

It shattered my heart and yet it fueled my desire to live this life with a wild and curious and brave heart. 

 

All the birds on the wire stay together. 

 

They wear the same clothes. 

 

They gossip the same gossip. 

 

They follow all the same made up rules our society created. 

 

They all do the same things on Saturday night. 

 

Has this happened to you? Has your trauma, tragedy, and hard knock life experiences made you wise beyond your years? Do you feel like you don't fit in with the crowd anymore and feel actually grateful that you don't? I see you. I hear you. Your wisdom is beautiful. It's absolutely priceless. All the other birds on the wire? They can only wish and hope for your wisdom but unless trauma or death knocks on their door? They will never attain your wisdom in this lifetime. 

 

Death made me move further down the wire. 

 

It made me want to fly. 

 

I now know that you could follow all the rules, stay with the crowd, and let your fear keep you small and then? And then you could die when you're 34, or 48, or 10 and then what? All of your dreams, goals, and wildly creative ideas go with you. Things you wanted to do but didn't do because you were afriad of what the crowd would say? Your soul will wish you would have done them. 

 

I have learned things, seen things, and felt things that other people in my age bracket could not even imagine in their darkest nightmare. 

 

I know that life is precious. I know that time is fleeting. I know that everything could end tomorrow. Another tragedy could hit my core family. Another bomb could drop. And I'm not just reading this stuff on Hallmark cards......"Live your best life. You only get one life so make it amazing!"......or on Pinterest quotes and agreeing with it. That's not real. I've lived it. I've seen death. I've experienced raw horror. And because of all of that I want to live a radically wild, loving, brave, and meaningful life. 

 

I want my children to grow up and be themselves. 

 

I wish for my children to learn and grow on their own timetable. Not some odd timetable created by others in some neverending race to an unknown destination. Their precious childhood is not a race. It is not to be molded after every other child their exact age. They are unique. They are vividly colorful. They are smart and curious and hugely imaginative. I hope for them to taste life....now...not later when they turn the magical age of 18. I want them to jump in cold rivers, laugh with friends around a campfire on a weeknight, have hoards of treausres from nature adventures and family learning trips, piles of books by their beds about brave humans that broke the mold. I know that they are not gauranteed to make it to adulthood. No one is gauranteed anything and if more parents had experienced what I have experienced with the death of my husband? They might follow that call in their heart to keep their kids out of traditional school and educate them on their own through real life, books, music, art, community, mentors, and buckets of family time. Maybe if more parents had death knock on their door they would follow the deep desire to give their children the gift of their childhood. A childhood not closed off by school walls but a childhood in the fresh air climbing trees, daydreaming under the clouds, inventing things with piles of junk, learning to read on their own timeline, doing and creating with their hands, seeing things with their own eyes and not only in a book, and following what their soul came to this earth to do. They get this one precious childhood that is over in a flash. I wish for them to be the little birds out far on that wire with big and compassionate hearts and minds that know that learning is for a lifetime. I want them to be able to keep their uniqueness in tact. Keep their imaginations soaring into adulthood. 

 

Death wrecked me. It took away my best friend. It left my children fatherless. Yet, it also has taught me the greatest lesson that you can only truly know, believe, feel, and live if it has also knocked on your family's door. 
 

It taught me that this is my life. 

 

Yes, I believe in reincarnation. 

 

But this. This is my one life here as this version of myself. 

 

I want to live brave. 

 

I want to taste life, new cities, new foods, make new authentic soul friends. 

 

I want to spend as much time with my children as possible. I will never, ever regret the sacrifices I'm making now to be able to be with them and allow them to have a wild and free childhood. Never. I'll never regret it. It's worth everything to me. Everything. 

 

I want to never, ever stop learning. 

 

How can one possibly be bored in a world so full of amazing and inspiring information? 

 

I want to stear clear of the crowd. They aren't going where I'm going. 

 

I want to follow my heart and dip my toes in cold rivers. 

 

I want to let you know that you will never live fearlessly. It isn't possible. But you can walk through some of your fears into a authentic life and you can let the other fears guide you and keep you safe from harm. Does your vibe attract your tribe? Maybe sometimes.....but sometimes darkness finds you and you need to be aware, feel the fear to know to get yourself out of certain situations. 

 

And maybe you will never experience trauma and the death of a person in your core family. And I hope that you never do see, feel, or experience things that I have in the past almost 3 years.......but I do hope that you find your brave. That you realize that you are a unique individual that did not come to this earth to sit right by all those other same birds on the wire. 

 

You were born to break free. 

 

You were born to be unique. 

 

You were born with your own ideas, thoughts, and purpose. 

 

How can you truly become who you are if you follow the crowd? 

 

The hard and raw truth? You can't and you never will. 

 

Break free and follow yourself. 

 

Be the bird on the wire that is sure of itself and knows that even if that wire breaks? 

 

It will soar. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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