Copyright Nik Bonkoski 2019

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Rising above is a choice. It's your choice.

September 23, 2017

 

We will all struggle at some point in our lives but only a few of us will struggle through the unimaginable. 

 

Rising above struggle is a choice. 

 

It's your choice. 

 

It's a choice you make every second, every minute, every day. 

 

The day that my late husband shot himself in the heart I had thousands of dollars of flowers arriving at my home the next morning for a wedding I was to be the florist for. That day while my world was crumbling around me, my heart was on fire, and my soul wanted to go jump off the bluff..........I had to make the choice to hold it together and make the endless phone calls to figure out another florist who would take over the work for that wedding. People told me to forget it, to let it go, that it didn't matter.....but it mattered to me. It mattered to me not to ruin someone else's fairytale day just because my fairytale was dead. 

 

Rising above is a choice. 

 

Is it an easy choice? I'm not going to sugar coat it for you. I'm not going to make it seem like it's simple. Rising above our struggles is often more painful than the initial thing that put us into that struggle in the first place. We have to choose ourselves. Choose life. Choose to take the paths and the roads that will lead us up out of that dirt hole that we feel we are living in. 

 

I have been rising up out of my own dirt hole. Years of telling myself over and over that I am still worthy of a beautiful life. Days of telling myself to hold on, to hang on, to keep going and to not turn out the lights on my life. Days of struggle and some of those days I wanted to say.........forget it. And some of those days I wanted to sell my house and move to another state to run away from my pain and the looks that people would give me at the grocery store like they pitied me and like maybe I was a pathetic mess of a person. Days of breathing through the anxiety, the depression, and choosing to make small steps to move my life up out of that hole. 

 

Rising above struggle is a choice. 

 

How do we rise up out of that struggle? 

 

We choose hope. 

 

We look for joy. 

 

We remember that humans are resilient. 

 

We look ourselves in the mirror every single day and we say, "You are not what happened to you. This does not define you." And we do this until we believe it. We cry through it. We scream when it's all we feel like we can do. We lie on our cold bathroom floors and wail until one day we get up off that damn floor and we walk out into the sunshine and we choose to think about and decide where we go from here. 

 

Inside of my years of struggle I have wanted to give up.  I have thought that there must be some karmic reason that I deserved this tragedy. I have felt worthless, unlovable, and like a piece of garbage. But second by second, minute by minute, day by day, month by month, and now year by year...........I have chosen to share my story, my pain, my shame, my fears, and my brokenness and by doing so it has given me the strength and the courage to slowly, ever so slowly rise up out of my struggles. I personally found my spirituality, God within my storm and that one truth and the grace and love I feel keeps me grounded on this earth in the knowing that I am here for a reason and I am going to stay and live out that reason. 

 

Do I still hurt? Yes. I'm not going to tell you that your husband can one day just walk out the door and put a bullet to his beautiful heart and that you will fully heal and never think about it and never feel twinges of pain in your heart at a song on the radio, or a Dad playing with his children on the playground, or a young couple in love kissing on a park bench. I still hurt. I still grieve. I still struggle. The difference now compared to the beginning two years ago or even one year ago? The difference is now I don't fight those feelings. They are just apart of who I am. I will grieve this tragedy for the rest of my days here on earth. But every single day that I wake up alive and healthy with a roof over my head........I choose to rise. I choose to find my new path. I choose to reach out to others to give my life purpose where I once felt there was none. It's a choice I have to make everyday to not fall back into that dirt hole of pain, to not pack it all up and move away from the town that I love and adore, to not become so angry that I cannot enjoy and be grateful for a sunny day. 

 

Rising above our struggles is a choice and it's hard. It's a hard choice but you know what? It's possible. 

 

You can rise above your struggles. 

 

You can choose to turn right into the sunshine and not left into the darkness. 

 

It's your choice. No one can do it for you but you can reach out to others who have been there, who are there....so that you don't feel alone, so that you have support on your awful days, so that you know that you are human and your struggle does not define you. 

 

You define you. 

 

All my love, Nik 

 

 

 

 Hi, I'm Nik. 

Welcome to my writing and to my heart. I hope you feel at home here and find words of truth that resonate with your heart. Wash your soul in this: You are worthy, loved, and whole. 

 

 

I hope you take the time to look over my website, published writing, social media, and blog. If you would like to work with me or donate to my work you can contact me at niktebbe@gmail.com or directly on my website. 

 

 

 

In light, love, and endless hope

-Nik Tebbe-

-writer, spiritual mentor, grief support specialist-

 

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