Copyright Nik Bonkoski 2019

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One day...your heart will be content, open, and healed.

September 30, 2019

 

 

One day you're going to be ok. 

 

One day you will look back and be in awe that you got this far. 

 

One day your heart won't hurt so much and your mind will feel more clear. 

 

One day you will live again with an open heart....open to all live has to offer with its pain and it's raging happiness. 

 

One day you will be content. I have come to believe that living content? It's one of the top human goals of  live well lived. Don't strive to live happy. Happiness is fleeting. Strive to live open to all of life's experiences. Strive to keep your heart wide open. Strive to be compassionate and loving. Strive to be content and not always reaching into the past or the future. 

 

 

When we are first suffering from any tragedy or grief we feel like the emotions that we are feeling are wrong. I chatted with a young widow last night and she said something like this, "Grief. I didn't know grief. No one teaches you this shit." 

 

Isn't she so right? As children we are hidden away from death. We are told about the one who died and that they are ok in Heaven and that they are free and loved. But what about us? We aren't really taught about what we are going to feel when a tragedy hits, or someone we love dies, or someone leaves us and breaks our heart, or we lose our dream. We are told we will feel sad. But what does that include? For me when my first husband died by suicide my sad included feeling: depressed, numb, lost, lonely, scared, anxious, exhausted, hopeless, unworthy, unloved, angry, and more. There were days that I screamed and wailed to the heavens and there were days that I sat completely numb staring into space. I felt like I had died but no one noticed. I felt like I had died and they forgot to come and bury me. 

 

One day you won't feel all those emotions all at once. 

 

One day you will open the curtains in the morning and see the sunrise of a beautiful day and you will feel excited for what the day has in store. 

 

One day your heart won't be in pain all day and on fire all night. One day your heart will break open and feel more compassion and more self-love. 

 

To get to your "one day" you have to go through all of the emotions that tragedy, trauma, and grief bring. Your emotions are your soul's way of telling you what's going on with you. What you are feeling is completely and totally normal. What you are feeling............millions of other humans have felt before and they have survived. Time does not heal all wounds but in time your suffering fades. Time does not heal all wounds but in time you feel happiness again. Your wound is always there. Covered up with scar tissue, and self love, and compassion. Your wound sews itself into your heart and becomes a part of who you are. Before that happens it feels like the wound is overtaking your entire body, your mind, your soul. It's wildly pacing around in your veins and waking you up at night to remind you of it's existence. But in time.........eventually.....the wound settles down. It rests. It stops raging. And you can once again feel joy, happiness, and even love. In how much time? It's different for everyone. It might be 1 year. It might be 2 years. It might be 5 years. And it might be a falling back and forth between feeling awful and feeling great. I had moments in the first year where I thought I had come to full acceptance, where I thought I was beyond all the hurt. Oh how wrong I was. My emotions would come back in full force to teach me something else. And most of the time what were they teaching me? Self love. Compassion. Patience. 

 

One day you're going to be ok. 

 

One day you're going to feel alright. 

 

One day you will once again be excited for your future. 

 

One day your heart will feel content. 

 

One day you will hold the memories of your past........and those memories will be woven into the fabric of who you are and when they come to your mind instead of being sad.........you will smile. You will feel grateful for getting where you are and that you are intact, you are alive, you are breathing and have a chance to follow your heart. 

 

One day you will be sitting somewhere and your mind will drift off while looking at a beautiful sunset and you will think to yourself....."Wow. I'm ok. After all that I went through. After all that pain. After all the hard times and the hard work to put my life back together........I'm ok. My heart is open. I am content." 

 

One day. 

 

 

 

 

 

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