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Open my heart

May 21, 2017

It's really hard for me to write this. I feel scared, vulnerable, and raw. But, I have learned that's when I write. When I'm scared of what I have to say. Say it. When I start writing and the tears start gushing out and then the sobs and the tears are dripping on my kitchen floor. It's healing. And it might help someone else so here we go........



Some people are terrified of loving again after loss. I could be blindly wrong about how I really feel........but I don't believe, in my heart, that I feel that way. I feel like nothing really, really scares me because I now know that I can be burnt to the ground, left standing screaming in the rain, abandoned on the side of the road.........and I will heal myself, I will find my way home, I will keep on living and find my way. 


Open my heart. 



I have been "single" now....... a widow....for 620 days. That person that you think you can't live without whose lying next to you in bed on a lazy Sunday morning? You can't imagine going 620 days without them. I can't describe it well enough to you. Each day feels like a year, each minute a lifetime, each breath in the beginning feels like an eternity. You feel like if maybe, just maybe if you hold your breathe long enough....they will just come home. 


Open my heart. 


Holding my breath didn't work. He isn't coming home and I have come to peace with that statement long ago. Our story isn't going to continue. Some love stories are one day long, some 13 years long like ours, and some 80 years. 


Open my heart. 


I have been a girl dating since I was 16 years old. Over 20 years of putting my heart out there only to be left standing in the rain....every....single.....time. They have all left.  A couple of them before my late husband treated me like I was a trophy, worthless, and like there was no depth to my soul. Maybe that's the vibe I was putting out. Maybe that was a lesson I had to learn. I don't know. 


Open my heart. 


I made the first move on my late husband. I knew him through a mutual friend and we had just become "kinda" friends at a country music festival we all camped at together. A few months later something pulled me to call him. This time? This time I'm waiting for love to call me. 



Open my heart. 


He almost didn't want to get married. We dated two years before we got engaged. Dated almost another year before we did get married and a few months before that he almost backed out. It was "cold feet" but more than that. Was it his mental illness way back then? Possibly. It's a long and confusing story for another day. But it only added to my own shame, to my own feelings of unworthiness, to my own always trying to be perfect so no one would ever want to leave me. I don't tell you this to make you feel sorry for me or to make you feel mad at him. It's just what happened and after we were married....we went on to live a beautiful, loving, fun, and cozy little life. I never again was afraid of him leaving after that. Never. It never, ever crossed my mind. And then one day I got a knock on the door that he had shot himself. And I was heart was bleeding. I wanted to chase him down and shake him and say........"Why? Why won't you love me enough to stay?" To myself I actually said, "Holy shit....he actually left. The one man that I trusted with my heart and soul. The one man of them all that I thought would be by my side until we're on those rocking chairs in the little house by the ocean in Puerto Rico. He left. And he didn't say goodbye." 


Open my heart. 


I have forgiven him. My best friend. I have stood at his grave and yelled at him. Begged him to come back home. I have stood there and then all of a sudden...........he was there too. He was younger, healthier looking, scruffy face like I always loved, sun kissed tan, and sparkling blue eyes. There he was. That boy I met all those years ago dancing under the moon to country tunes. He took my hand and he kissed it. He said, "Nik. It didn't have anything to do with you. It's not your fault. I didn't leave because I didn't love you. Maybe I loved you too much. Let go of my hand, Nik. You gotta let go. I'm always in your heart. I'm always laughing with you on the breeze. I'm always here for you and I will be keeping you safe and guiding you from this side of the fog. I live in your heart. I have somewhere else I have to be now. Let go of my hand. Get out there my, Birdie. Open your heart. I give you my blessing, I give you my permission. You will always be my wife. But you've got a lot of life to still live. Find someone to dance with you under the moon. You deserve it. You deserve it more than anyone I've ever known. Let all those tears carry you into your future. Let all that pain wash you clean. And someday? Someday you'll be on this side of the fog and we will once again laugh and sit under the moon sharing a cold beer and listening to a country tune. I love you." 

And he turns. He walks away. He starts to fade into the distance but not before he turns around and gives me that closed mouth smirk that I remember so well. 


Open my heart. 

Open my heart. 





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