Dear broken hearted,
I was going to send you a blessing. A blessing to let you know that you deserve to be happy after all of your pain. But I sat on that thought for a while and deleted the entire message. Why? I decided that you don't need anyone's permission or blessing to be happy. You were born worthy.
Born worthy of all of the beauty this life has to offer you. Permission not needed.
Since my husband died I have sometimes lived in fear. Fear of living out loud. Fear of declaring that while yes, my heart is cracked and I still sometimes feel sad........I also feel happy. That's right. I have no husband, my children have no Dad, I am single, I have had to figure out a new career path for myself to support my family.......all within the space of solo parenting and complicated grief. But....I'm happy. How is that possible? Should I feel ashamed of some days feeling happy? Should you feel ashamed of saying that you are happy? Should you feel that you need to wait for others permission to laugh in public, post smiling pictures of yourself on social media, and take off the black clothing of the bereaved? No. You can do all of that with a blessing from your own soul. Give yourself the permission to live again. It's all the permission that you need.
Now you can read this and not believe it. That's ok. I'm not here to tell you exactly how to live your life after your heart has been broken. It's up to you. It's all within...........you. You get to decide. That's where your power is.
I am only trying to tell you my personal story and you can take from it what you need and leave behind anything that doesn't resonate with you. You are the guide in your own life, in your own healing, and I am only here to lend an ear, hold your hand, and show you the path that I have taken to get to my own worthiness, my own self-love, my own happiness.
Why in the world am I happy? It's simple. I'm grateful that I'm alive. I have fallen into darkness after the death of my husband. I know what it feels like to feel: grief, depression, anxiety, shame, and more all at once. I have stood on the edge of my own grave and almost pushed myself in because the pain was too much to handle. But while I still feel sadness and I still think this tragedy sucks........I have walked away from that dirt hole. I'm not wanting to fall into it anymore even when the darkness comes...and yes, it still does come. I'm showing up for myself. I'm choosing me. I'm giving myself permission to stick around and see why in the hell I'm still alive. My story isn't over.
At times since my husband died and I was talking to someone about something I was super excited about in my "new" life.......I felt they were judging me. I felt they were thinking that I should not be happy and that I should be the black grieving widow...forever. I felt they were thinking that I should not get to have new experiences or feel joy because my husband is dead and he doesn't get to do those things so neither should I. But you know what? It doesn't matter. They probably weren't judging me and it was just my own shame trying to trick me into living small. Or maybe they were judging me and for that...I forgive them. Why? Because they probably believe a different story than I do about where soul's go when they leave their human bodies.
My truth tells me that my husband is free, he is joyful, he is pure energy, he is pure love and that means that he gets to be "happy" where he is now and that gives me my own permission to be happy right where I am........right now....inside of this broken heart......inside of this single life........inside of this path that I was thrown into like a tornado.........I give myself permission to be happy. Will there still be days of sadness? I'm guessing there will be. I'm human. But on the days that I truly feel happy, I'm not hiding it away anymore. Just like I share when I am feeling shattered and broken and in the darkness......I will also share when I feel happy, joyful, and blissed out. Why? Because I wish to illuminate life after loss. To show that it isn't all crying under your covers, wearing black dresses, and hiding away from the world.
I am alive. You are alive.
Inside of you is a little message of hope.
It's in your own soul.
Open up that message and read it out loud to yourself. I'm guessing it reads:
"You are worthy of happiness. No permission needed."