The other day I visited my husband's grave.......alone. I don't get to visit his grave alone very often and our children don't always wish to visit that place of quiet and solitude. Our daughter does like to visit there and tend to the grass and flowers, talk to the birds, talk to her Papa.......but our little guy isn't quite there yet. He doesn't like that his Papa is there, but not there....that his Papa is there but in the ground.
I sit down right on the grass where he lies underneath the dirt. Sometimes, I even lay down. I know that his spirit, his soul, his energy isn't there under the ground and is out and free...but his bones lie there under the ground. That man that was mine for all those years. The part of him that I was able to touch for 12 years are under that dirt and there is sacredness in that.
I sat there alone and I wept. I wept for him. I wept for me. I wept tears I didn't know that I still had. Grief is a storm and some days the rainbows come out and you see the sun again. And then somedays you feel the drizzle. And some days the entire sky opens up and unleashes it's tears, it's fiery lightning, it's wind. That's grief. In the first days/weeks after someone you loves dies you just want that pain, that storm to go away and never return. It's so unlike anything you have ever felt before and you think it just might take you under it's waves, never to return. But it doesn't. You survive. You learn to float. Months pass. A year passes. More months pass. And you're somehow comforted when those tears drop on the grass above those bones. It means there is still love there. Nothing can take the love away.
This is the space. The space in-between.
The time in-between your grief waves will grow with time. This is different for everyone. Everyone lives on their own timeline and everyone lost a different person.
You will start to soften into your life after loss.
You will laugh, again.
You will enjoy a beautiful sunny day, again, and in a way you've never appreciated those warm rays on your face.
You will feel inspired to really live your life because you have seen a life stop short.
There will be days that the memories won't make you sad but you'll look at their picture and be filled with so much gratitude that this person was in your life. That they were yours and you were theirs. That you experienced so much together. That for a moment in time you got to see their smile, and hear their laugh, and hold their hand.
And on those other days.....the grief wave days....lean in to the storm...turn on your back and float. Don't push away your emotions but yet feel them, learn from them, absorb them, and then let them free.
The space in-between is life. It's renewed life. It's a different life than you imagined but it's still life and there is still beauty and laugher and purpose. You just have to look for it.
Your life begins again in that space......the space in-between.