Lately I have been feeling disconnected from the world. Not from my children, but from everyone else in my life. I am choosing to write about this vulnerable subject because I know that there are people out there feeling like this. You may be like me and be feeling disconnected and lonely even when surrounded by family and friends because you are going through a spiritual awakening. You have awakened to the truth of the universe and you see things so much differently now. Small talk, gossip, petty complaining......you just can't deal with it so you distance yourself. I feel this way. I'm here to say it's completely "normal", it's completely ok. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you. I am still completely happy with my life. I still feel overwhelming joy in my heart. But, there's a disconnect. Are you a widow? This can also bring on a huge disconnect. Friends and family cannot even begin to understand what it feels like to go from one day being in a happy marriage to being alone. They will think that them filling your hours with their companionship will make you less lonely. It actually can make you more lonely. For they aren't the ones you are lonely for. You are lonely for that feeling of connection with the person that lived in your home. With the person that you seen on a daily basis. For that person that had your heart.
This is my journey lately. I have the mix of both. Spiritual awakening of a widow. Now let's get this straight. I believe that loneliness is a bit like depression. People feel it. They live it. They are terrified and embarrassed to say that out loud which only adds to the stigma. When my husband died I stood at his wake and I consoled hundreds of people. Sure, strangers hugged me but no one sat up there with me and held my hand. I was already completely alone. It was the beginning of my journey as a widow. People would ask me with such shock and almost rudeness in their voices, "Was your husband depressed?" This is how their words felt. This was the vibration of their words. Their words had the hidden meaning that if my husband had been depressed, that meant that there was something wrong with him. That meant that there was something wrong with me, with our marriage, with our love. So my reaction was to say that he wasn't depressed. You know why? Because right then I didn't know that he was depressed. I didn't know what depression or loneliness truly looked like. Why? Because I believed it was like it is shown in movies and television shows. Someone who doesn't take a shower and lays on the couch all day. Someone who never smiles and doesn't go to work. I stood at that wake and listened to my husbands parents tell people that "no way" was Ryan depressed. But you know what I now fully know after this tragedy? Do you know what I now know after having my husband leave me by suicide, after going through a spiritual awakening? My husband was depressed. His soul opened a door to the darkness and this made depression overcome him. Was he his depression? NO. He still smiled, and laughed, and seemed "fine" and regular most days. But when I look back now he was sleeping more. He was so tired at a soul level. He wasn't doing the things he normally enjoyed like running the dog. When his family visited he had nothing, nothing to say to them. He was mute which is not like him at all. One day last August he told me he felt like he had no friends. I hugged him and said, "I don't have really any friends either." and we laughed. I now know what he felt. He felt disconnected. He felt disconnected from his friends as they didn't hang out at all really anymore. He felt disconnected from his parents. He felt disconnected from me as I was always busy tending to our children. He didn't know how to say it out loud. He thought if he said out loud that he was feeling depressed that people would judge him. And you know what? He was actually right. Why? Because after he died that is exactly what people did. They judged him. Everyone tried to figure out what happened. Why this man with this wonderful life shot himself? And you know what they were thinking on the inside? They were thinking..."Wow. I've felt depressed before. Am I going to kill myself?"
Disconnected. It's a tough feeling to feel but it's very much real. I am on a spiritual journey. I'm not turning around to my old life and my old ways just to make these feelings of loneliness go away. I love who I am. I love me. Yes, I feel disconnected from people I know. But I have hope in my heart that my tribe will show up. My soul tribe will start to reveal themselves to me. I just have to keep living my life completely authentically and without apologies. Radiate love and love will find me.
Are you feeling lonely because you are a new widow? I understand. I recognize you. I'm there with you. If I could round you all up and give you a big hug I would. No one understands us but each other.
Widows. Birds of a feather.
Spiritual beings. Birds of a feather.
I feel disconnected. But you know what I have learned? When I feel disconnected from the world, from the people around me...I need to go within. I need to mediate more. Do more of the things that I love to do in my personal free time. Read more books. Listen to more spiritual videos. Do more writing. Reconnect with ME. What's one lesson I want to teach you? All you have is YOU. All I have is ME. Everyone else is icing on the cake. Find your inner peace, your inner solitude, your soul and when feelings of loneliness come on, when that disconnect happens, you will find ways to tap into a deeper connection with you.
I believe I am going through this journey, that the universe gave me this tragedy wrapped in a little black box complete with a black ribbon so that I could be the light. I will be the one carrying the buckets of water back into the fire to help the others still consumed. And just that one thought. That one remembrance of who I AM brings me out of my loneliness and reconnects me to the divine. It shatters the disconnect and plugs me back into my truth, to my purpose. I'm the water to the fire. I'm the light to others darkness. I let go of the disconnect. I hold my own hand and walk into my beautiful future.