Copyright Nik Bonkoski 2019

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November 5, 2019

You can do hard and holy things. 

You can overcome. 

You can move through the pain, grief, and trauma with grit. 

You can hold your light up high and embrace your brokenness with grace. 

"Please hear me, girl: The world has enough women who know how to do their hair. It needs women who know how to do hard and holy things." -Ann Voskamp

This quote of course can be for men too. I fall back on this quote on my hard days, on...

November 4, 2019

It's only heavy if you carry it. 

There are some events that happen in our lives that change us from the inside out. 

Sometimes....we carry that load and we make it look so easy to others. And we want to scream, "Just because I carry it well doesn't mean it isn't heavy." 

We want to yell this because they cannot see what goes on behind the scenes of our life. 

We long to yell this because, friends? Trauma isn't...

October 1, 2019

Life has no balance.

The balance is within you.

If you are off balance within your own soul then another can easily anger you, upset you.

If you are off balance within your own heart then you are wobbling through your days always questioning your next turn, always unsure of what it is you want from today.

Life has no balance.

It isn't possible to balance it all........Parenthood, career, life....hope. 

Something has to give. And th...

September 30, 2019

We read so many posts that say we should be watching out for our friends and our family.

Watching out for their happiness, their health, their safety and well-being. And all of this is true.

This is how the world spreads love and compassion.

But, you also need to be watching out for you. Be aware of your own emotions. Be thoughtful to yourself on your shadow days. Be kind to your heart when it is grieving, heartbroken, lonely,...

September 30, 2019

One day you're going to be ok. 

One day you will look back and be in awe that you got this far. 

One day your heart won't hurt so much and your mind will feel more clear. 

One day you will live again with an open heart....open to all live has to offer with its pain and it's raging happiness. 

One day you will be content. I have come to believe that living content? It's one of the top human goals of  live well lived. Don'...

September 28, 2019

If you have followed my writing from the beginning you know that I don't write about my children's grief. Why? Because it's their grief and not mine. Their pain and trauma is not mine to put out there on social media in writing or pictures or video......even if it would save lives. Why? I am a Mother who has to protect her children first. My children's emotional and mental well-being has to come first in my life. What I have p...

April 4, 2019

 Grief. 

When you lose someone you love in a sudden and/or tragic way? 

You don't have to look for the gift inside of your suffering. 

Ok? 

Let me tell you that again. 

You don't have to look for the gift inside of your suffering. 

Finding the gift inside of one's pain? It's a very, very personal thing unique to each griever. There may be many people who all lost the same person and yet they all find or don't find a different g...

April 4, 2019

Open the window. 

Tonight, I sit here in my home with the window open and the fresh spring air swirling through the room. My fingers are on the keyboard and there are tears in my eyes. 

Friends? Loss is a journey. Widowhood is a whole other journey. 

Trauma will rock you deep. It will try to trick you. The darkness? Sometimes you think it's left and then all of a sudden there it is again. Except? You don't fully realize that it's...

November 19, 2018

Dear widow,

You are allowed to move forward.

Does this mean letting go? Forgetting? Moving on? No.

You are allowed to move forward.

Everyone is going to have their opinion of you moving forward, changing things in your life, and so on. You can't live for their opinions. You can't live to keep others happy. You can't stay living in a past that no longer exists if your soul is nudging you on a new path forward.

You are allowed t...

November 17, 2018

Have you been following my writing for awhile now? 

Did the title of this blog post scare you, worry you, or confuse you? 

It's ok. Don't worry. Yes, I'm still a writer. Yes, I am writing a book and I wake up almost every morning at 5:00am, brew my coffee, and sit in the dark of the morning to write. 

But this is about the memoir. The memoir, the biography, the story of my husbands suicide that I will never write. 

Why? 

Because th...

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